[Morning in the New York streets, Cheryl and Pam are exiting the metro subway carrying their belongings and chatting. Unknown to them, there's a black van creeping up towards them.]
Pam: So then he's all like "Ya gotta go before my roommate gets home." and I'm like "Who cares?" and he's like-
Cheryl/Carol: You're a moped.
Pam: How do you know? What's it mean anyway?
Cheryl/Carol: Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Pam: Ohhh... (Cheryl/Carol: Yeah.) I thought he meant I was fuel-efficient. I only had ten beers.
Cheryl/Carol: Fourties?
Pam: No! Yes. Hence the shandy. [drinks her can] My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles. [from the interior of the black van, the horn sounds their attention] So stick that horn in your ass! Nutsack. [The van's side door opens which shocks the blond.]
[The scene cut to the ISIS agency where Malory is talking to Cyril.]
Malory: [incensed] And what time is it?
Cyril: Well, it's 9:01, but-
Malory: And what time is late?
Cyril: Technically, 9:01 also, but I'm sure Cheryl has a good excuse this time.
[The scene cuts back to the streets where Cheryl is screaming and blasts the kidnapper with an airhorn and pepperspray which affects the latter, and then cuts back to the agency.]
Malory: Oh right, like the time her ocelot was sick! (Cyril: Well-) Or yesterday, when she said she had to walk to work because there was a midget on the train!
Cyril: I think she said it was a dwarf.
Malory: And I said that was her last chance! (Cyril: but-) She's fired! I want her desk cleaned out and a new secretary by lunch!
Cyril: That's kinda more Pam's department.
Malory: Who is also late! And I just can't wait to hear that lame excuse!
[Cuts back to the streets where Pam is screaming and resisting the kidnappers who are having difficulties pulling the former in.]
Kidnapper 3: Just get her in the damn van!
Kidnapper 2: She's crazy frickin' strong!
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah! You fight 'em off, Cheryl! [still fighting off the Kidnapper with am airhorn and pepperspray]
Pam: [incredulously] Wh-? ! Cheryl?!
Cheryl/Carol: Yes! That's you! You're Cheryl!
Pam: What?! What're you-
[Cheryl sprays and blasts the air horn again while screaming.]
Kidnapper 1: Aaaghh! I swear to God I'm blind!
Kidnapper 3: C'mon, the boss is waiting! We don't need her!
[The Kidnapper walks back to the van in pain.]
Cheryl/Carol: Because I'm just her stupid friend! (Pam: What?!) She's who you want!
Pam: Cheryyyyl! [is being dragged and pinned in the van]
Cheryl/Carol: Yes, just keep shouting your own name! (Pam: What are you talking about?!) I'll pray for you, Cheryl!
Pam: Goddammit, I'm not- [gets tased into unconsciousness and driven away]
Cheryl/Carol: [relieved] Whew! That was a close one! And thanks, Pam, way to drag out a kidnapping now I'm late again. Although, this is a way better excuse than the train-dwarf. Which...ick. Ugh...
[OPENING THEME]
Act 1[]
[In the ISIS agency head office, Malory is shaking her head in disbelief.]
Malory: Kidnapped?
Cheryl/Carol: Like a huge, sweatery Lindbergh baby. So it's really Pam's fault I'm late.
Malory: Why would anyone (Archer: In the world.) want to kidnap Pam?
Cheryl/Carol: There's a teeny-tiny chance they maybe might've thought Pam was me?
Lana: How?
Cheryl/Carol: No idea.
Malory: Well, even if you weren't lying-
Cheryl/Carol: [defensively] The train-dwarf was real and he looked right at me with his dwarfy eyeballs!
Malory: Why would anyone want to kidnap you?
Cheryl/Carol: [admittedly] Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.
Malory: [astonished] What?!
Archer: Tum again? [beat] Oh c'mon, nothing?
Malory: Not the Tunts.
Lana: Wait, how do I know that name?
Cheryl/Carol: Ever been on a railroad?
[Lana gasps in surprise.]
Archer: Yes. (Lana: Ho-lee shit!) Not a big deal, they're everywhere. (Lana: Yeah!) They crisscross the nation, Lana.
Lana: And her great-grandfather built them all!
Archer: Wait, what?
Malory: Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah all, whatever, five Cornelia.
Malory: And George Washington Tunt of the-
Cheryl/Carol: [sardonically] The Tuntmore House! Yes! I spent like every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln! [beat] Apparently slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory: Prove it.
Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory: Not that, ass! (Archer: What?) Prove you're really a Tunt!
Cheryl/Carol: Umm, I have a picture.
[The scene cuts to a fancy portrait of Cheryl nobly dressed alongside her parents and brother.]
Malory (OS): [amazed] You're kidding.
[The scene pan out to reveal the quad are inside the Tunt house.]
Archer: Oh my god! That's you!
Cheryl/Carol: [dryly] Yes, it's me. Do you guys, I'm kinda freaking out, you mind if I glue up? [she takes out jar of paste]
Malory: It's your house.
Archer: This is your house!
Lana: And right next door, is that- (Cheryl/Carol: Yes.) [gasps] That's the Roosevelt mansion!
Cheryl/Carol: Total shitbox, they're weird.
[An eerie growl echoes in the house which makes the agents take out their weapons.]
Lana: What the?
Archer: What the hell was that?!
Cheryl/Carol: Ugh, my stupid ocelot.
Archer: I've never seen an ocelot! [happily runs off towards it]
Malory: Cheryl dear, I don't know quite how to put this, but-
Archer: Holy shit! You guys! Look at his little spots!
Malory: How much are you- (Archer: Look at his tufted ears!) worth?
Cheryl/Carol: Well until Monday it was like, I dunno, about fifty million?
Lana: [walks up in disbelief] Uh do-what-ha-what?
Archer: Hey, Carol, what's his name?!
Cheryl/Carol: Babou!
Archer: I love it!
Cheryl/Carol: But it should be buyer's remorse! (Malory: And-) Stupid thing's sick all the time.
Malory: What happened Monday?
Cheryl/Carol: Oh, my parents were murdered.
Malory: What?! [she gasped alongside Lana]
Cheryl/Carol: [laughs at their expressions] I'm kidding! [serious] They are dead, though. (Malory: Wh-) The chauffeur had a stroke and slammed into a tree. (Lana: Holy shit!) Funeral's probably just wrapping up.
Malory: [angrily] Why aren't you there?!
Cheryl/Carol: [defensively] Because you said if I was late again, you'd fire me!
Malory: Not for your parents' funeral!
Cheryl/Carol: Well! I don't know all your rules!
Lana: Can I jump in? Just kinda curious, why do you even work at ISIS?
Cheryl/Carol: Why do you?
Lana: [scoffs] Because I'm not worth a billion dollars!
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.
Malory: And how much will you be splitting?
Cheryl/Carol: [rethinking] It actually is a billion dollars.
[Malory shudders with delight.]
Lana: I am literally wet with jealousy.
Cheryl/Carol: [incensed] Jealous of what? Being scared of kidnappers the rest of my life?! It was bad enough when I was only worth fifty million! Now it's gonna be ten times worse and- [tearfully] Oh my God, I'm such a chicken! I told them Pam was me!
Lana: Wow.
Malory: Lana, shut up. First of all, I'm sure Pam is fine.
[scene cuts to Pam tied to a chair and beaten at the kidnappers' hideout while the former is being punched repeatedly.]
Pam: Who taught ya how to punch? [spits out blood] Yer husband? [punched again and spits out a bloody tooth] You better just [BLEEP]ing kill me.
[Cuts back to the Tunt house.]
Malory: And second of all, no one is going to kidnap you on my watch. You may consider ISIS your personal bodyguard. For you know, a modest retainer. (Lana: Ah.) Still shut up.
Cheryl/Carol: But oh my God, what about Pam?!
Archer (OS): I dunno about Pam. [walks into the view with his clothes tattered] And I know even less about ocelots. But my gut tells me you gotta get some tree branches or a tire swing or something in there, because he is desperate for stuff to play with. What're we doing?
Malory: We're taking Cheryl back to ISIS and locking it down until we catch those dastardly kidnappers. Because we're all she has now.
Archer: Okay, but on the way, we gotta stop at a toy store and at least get him a stuffed animal. Something.
[Cuts to Babou growling loudly in a big empty room with two bowls next to him and cuts back to Archer.]
Archer: It's like Meow-schwitz in there.
Act 2[]
[The scene shows ISIS entering lockdown mode and Popeye watches this in a casual mood.]
Popeye: Hm-hmm.
Cyril (OS): Half a billion?!
[Scene cuts to the armory with Lana and Cyril.]
Cyril: With a B?!
Lana: Followed by an illion.
Cyril: [incensed] Well, that little- She owes me thirty-seven hundred dollars!
Lana: For what?
Cyril: What? [beat] (Lana: I-) Nothing! What're we doing?
Lana: Locking down ISIS because once the kidnappers realize they've got the wrong idiot, they'll probably come back for the right one. So here. [gives him a small pistol] All hands on deck.
Cyril: Cool. [waves the weapon for a moment until it went off missing Lana's head by inches]
Lana: [glowers at him] Safety's off, Barn.
[Cuts to the safe room with Malory, Archer and Cheryl where the latter is holding a pen and paper, and wearing a military helmet and vest.]
Malory: Trust me, dear. This vault is the safest place in the entire building.
Cheryl/Carol: But wait how much are you gonna charge for ISIS to protect me?
Malory: Well, that's based on my expenses. Plus, an administrative fee, a small contingency fee, few odds and ends-
Cheryl/Carol: And you're gonna get Pam back, right?
Malory: Right after you sign that contract.
Cheryl/Carol: Okaaaaay, no. [puts the pen and paper down and folds her arms in defiance] (Malory: Bu-) First, get Pam back, (Malory: Bu-) and bring me some stuff to do, it's crazy stupid boring in here.
Archer: [condescendingly] Well, now you know how Babou feels.
Cheryl/Carol: [dryly] Crepuscular?
[A gunshot rings out nearby and cuts to Brett being shot in the abdomen and bleeding from his wound.]
Brett: God! Damn it, Cyril!
[cuts to Cyril and Lana where the former is pointing his gun towards his unintended victim.]
Cyril: Sorry! [Lana clears throat motioning for him to relinquish his weapon] Aw, c'mon.
Lana: Barney.
[Cyril relents and gives Lana the who then takes the clip and dislodges the bullet from the gun before giving it back to the accountant.]
Malory: Well, now this is just a disaster!
Brett: Yeah, ya think?!
Malory: Not you, Mr. Bloodmobile! (Archer: [laughs at Brett's predicament] He got shot again.) Cheryl is insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam!
Lana: Weren't you gonna do that anyway?
Malory: [beat as the phone rings] If it came up! And will somebody answer the damn phone once in their life?!
Archer: Looking your way, Brett.
Brett: [picks up the phone weakly] Hello?
Archer: Was that so hard?
Brett: [on the phone while the color is draining from his body from losing blood] Yes? Yeah, one sec? Kidnappers!
Lana: Wh-? Keep 'em on the line! [rushes off to communications]
Archer: I'm lead negotiator! [runs off after her]
Lana (OS): No you're not!
Malory: And you, take Cheryl some crayons, or cheese, or something.
[scene cuts to the control room where Brett is still on the line.]
Brett: Unghh... I'm s-so c-coold...
Gillette: Brett, get off the phone!
Brett: You got it?
Archer: [puts on headset] Yes! Hang up! [to Ray] How long do I need to keep him on?
Gillette: Two minutes.
Lana: What?!
Archer: What happened to thirty seconds?!
Gillette: Uh, your mother's budget priorities?
[Flashbacks back to the conference room with Malory and Ray as the former is enjoying her new table.]
Malory: No, this is all one solid piece. Brazilian rosewood, straight from the heart of the Amazon jungle. Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down? [Ray was about to answer, but the old harpy interjected.] Hint, six.
[Flashforward back to comms.]
Archer: Small price to pay for beauty. [clears throats answers the call] Hi, Sterling Archer, [to Lana much to her chagrin] lead negotiator, and to whom might I be speaking?
Kidnapper Boss: [through voice modulator] Your worst nightmare.
Archer: [scared] Great, one sec? [mutes the call]
Kidnapper Boss: [unware he's on hold] Hello?
Lana: What are you doing?!
Archer: I'll tell ya what I'm not doing, Lana: is negotiating (Kidnapper Boss: Hello?) with a goddamn cyborg!
Lana: That's just a voice modulator!
Kidnapper Boss: Uh, hello?
Archer: You don't think cyborgs have that technology?! I'm hanging up!
Lana: Hanging up?! [she stops the idiot spy]
Archer: Lana, it's not worth it. It's just Pam!
Lana: No, Archer, stop.
[Archer immediately hangs up the call out fear of the 'cyborgs', and Lana clears her throat in disapproval at the idiot.]
Archer: They're probably tracing us. [Ray silently shakes his head at Archer's stupidity] We don't want them coming here.
[cuts to the kidnappers' hideout where the leader is looking at Pam's driver's license in anger.]
Kidnapper Boss: [angry] You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt!
Pam: [is further beaten] That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love taps. [is punched once again] Seriously, [spits out blood] maybe see if yer daddy will give ya a roll of nickels?
Kidnapper Boss: First of all, how are you still even conscious?!
Pam: [cackles at the question] How do ya think I paid fer college?
[flashbacks where Pam is counting her win in an underground fight arena]
Pam: Two sixty, two-eighty, and Jackson makes three. [sheepishly] And uh, sorry about your homie, [a pan out reveals that she just killed her opponent] homies.
[flashforward to the hideout]
Kidnapper Boss: And second, where is Cheryl Tunt?!
Pam: Well, I just assume she's safe at ISIS, laughing her skinny lying ass off because she got me kidnapped.
[cuts to the ISIS vault where the heiress is laughing at the accountant]
Cyril: This isn't funny, Cheryl! I need that thirty-seven hundred dollars back!
Cheryl/Carol: Well, sorry. That money's gone.
Cyril: Wh-? What do you mean it's gone?
[flashes back to Cheryl in an alleyway holding Cyril's burning wad of cash, and she tosses the stack into the dumpster full of stuff already and the flames grew brighter as delight expands on her face. She then drops the can of gasoline to admire her bonfire until the scenes flashes forward to the present in the vault.]
Cheryl/Carol: [balances a bit in her chair] It's been an extremely volatile year.
Cyril: In the stock market?
Cheryl/Carol: [matter-of-factly] Sure.
Cyril: Well, whatever, I borrowed it from my IRA, and if I don't pay it back-
Cheryl/Carol: What're they gonna do, kneecap you?!
Cyril: Wh-? [scoffs] Not the IRA, my IRA! And there are huge tax implications for that!
Cheryl/Carol: I don't have it, dum-dum! All my money's in like, a trust or whatever, and I'd have to ask my gross brother!
Cyril: So?!
Cheryl/Carol: So, he's gross!
Cyril: [menacingly] Cheryl, I need that money.
Cheryl/Carol: I don't have it! Now screw already! I've got kidnappers to worry about.
Cyril: But- [narrows his eyes at the Tunt]
[cuts back to the control room where Lana is the negotiator this time and the call is happening]
Lana: Okay, here we go. [answers] This is Agent Lana Kane and you are?
Kidnapper Boss: [using the modulator again] About five seconds away from shooting your friend, Pam in her rock-like face.
Lana: Well, we obviously don't want you to- (Archer: Violate the First Law of Robotics?) [glowers at her ex] shoot Pam. (Archer: OK...) So what will it take for you to release her unharmed?
Kidnapper Boss: I'll trade you for Cheryl Tunt.
Archer: Tum again? [this causes Lana to shake her head as well to his stupidity] Still nothing?
Malory: Nooo no no no no. [picks up the phone] First of all, we don't even know if Pam is still alive. (Pam: Yeah, I'm right here with the guy!) And even if she were, (Pam: I am!) that's a no-brainer! I mean my God, Cheryl's worth half a billion. (Pam: What?!)
Kidnapper Boss: Well?! How much is this one worth?!
[The old spy gave no answer.]
Pam: [upset] Oh, for- Seriously?!
Malory: [defensive] I'm thinking!
Kidnapper Boss: [growing impatient] You're stalling! So you can trace the call!
Gillette: No, you've got tons of time.
Malory: Oh, shut up.
Kidnapper Boss: Hey! What's it gonna be?!
Lana: [angry] Malory!
Malory: Alright, I can do...five thousand?
Pam: [aghast] What?!
Kidnapper Boss: [irritated] Okay, we're done here. (Pam: No no wait wait wait, don't hang-) [ends up the call]
Lana: [appalled] Five thousand?!
Malory: For Pam?
[Lana shakes her in disapproval at the greedy woman]
Gillette: [accusing] I bet you spent ten times that on your new conference table!
Malory: [defensive] I did not! Unless you include the funeral expenses for those pygmies. And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all into one medium-sized hole.
Gillette: Well, I was able to trace the call to a one-block radius, so if you will excuse me, [gets up with a map in his hand] I am going to rescue Pam.
Archer: [snatches the map] No, I will do that.
Lana: [snatches the map] No, I will.
Gillette: God damn it! Let's just everybody go!
Malory: No! There's half a billion dollars worth of Tunt sitting in that vault! That's the critical mission here!
Lana: So who gets it?
[awkward silences sets in for a moment]
Malory: [takes the paper and give it to Archer and Ray] No heroics, you two. It's just Pam.
[cuts to the hideout]
Pam: [crestfallen] I mean, I know it's hard to put a dollar value on a human life, but for shit's sake, five grand?
Kidnapper Boss: Yeah, so please don't take this the wrong way, but I am gonna kill you.
Pam: [pleading] Aw c'mon, I haven't seen your faces!
Kidnapper Boss: [reveals his face to her] There. (Pam: Damn.) Now shut up. [puts the mask back on]
Kidnapper 1: Hey so, I'm not totally on-board with a full-frontal assault on ISIS.
Kidnapper 2: Yeah, I'm actually totally off-board.
Kidnapper 1: My eyes still hurt pretty bad.
Kidnapper Boss: Too bad! That's the only way we're gonna get to Cheryl Tunt!
Pam (OS): I can get you guys in.
Kidnapper Boss: [surprised] Um, seriously?
Pam: [have had enough of her so-called 'friends'] Yeah, screw them. Especially, Cheryl. Hope you kidnap a shit out of her.
[back at the spy agency vault, Lana and Malory finds Cheryl gone leaving only the helmet behind]
Malory: [drops her glass in shock] What? Where the hell is she?!
[cuts to the basement where the Tunt is tied to the radiator.]
Cheryl/Carol: [angry] You're gonna be in so much trouble! [gets a gun pointed in her face]
Cyril (OS): No. [pan out reveals that the accountant has kidnapped her and has the heiress at gunpoint] Trouble is what the IRS will do to me if I don't pay back that loan!
Cheryl/Carol: The IRS? Jesus, how many Irish gangs are there?
Act 3[]
[back at the vault]
Malory: But she must still be in the building! All the blast doors are down!
Lana: Yeah, so- [realizing] Oh, dammit! Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage!
Malory: But they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open! [hopeful] Are they?
[scene cuts to outside at the open garage entrance]
Archer (OS): [irate] Yes! (Gillette (OS): Why?!) Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
[cuts to garage interior where Archer and Ray are arguing about the black turtlenecks.]
Gillette: [checks his gun] Is it working?
Archer: Yes! So take it off! We look totally gay!
Gillette: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I'm not!
Gillette: [scathing] Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Archer: [aims his gun at him] Take it off.
Gillette: [aims his weapon back with chuckle] You better put that back in your purse.
Archer: [cell rings] Hang on, this is far from over. [picks up] Talk to me. Yeah, it's totally wide open. What? No, I'm not an idiot, mother! We're still here, in the garage! [points his gun again] Because Ray is being a total bitch!
Malory: [hearing her son's whining on phone] Why do you care what he's wearing?! (Lana: Oh my God. [rolls her eyes Archer's antics]) I'm not taking his side! (Lana: Oh my God.) Sterling, they've taken Cheryl! Probably right past you two while you were arguing over who's prettiest!
[cuts back to the garage]
Archer: [on the phone] They didn't come through here! [to Ray] Kidnappers got Cheryl. (Gillette: Dukes!) [back to his mother] But wait, they've still gotta be in the building, right?
[cuts back to the office where the phone is ringing]
Malory: Probably! So secure the perimeter, do a floor-by-floor sweep, and [to Brett] Brett! For the love of God!
Brett: [weakly as the color from his face is drained] Hello? Yeah one sec? Kidnappers, line one... [passes out due to blood loss]
Malory: That's them. Secure and sweep! [hangs up] Idiots. Lana, follow me.
[cuts back at the garage again]
Archer: Roger that. I will definitely tell him right now. [hangs up] (Gillette (OS): Tell me what?) She said for you take it off. (Gillette (OS): [suspicious] No she didn't!) She absolutely certainly did, Ray. [pushes the garage button and walks off as the country spy follows] And also, for us to sweep the building. The doing of which I am in charge.
[the garage door close, but stops thanks to the van jamming it, and inside the vehicle shows Pam among the kidnappers.]
Kidnapper Boss: Hey, thanks for getting us inside, Pam. Somebody shoot her.
Pam: [is about to be shot] Oh, okay! Then good luck getting past all the biometric scanners! I mean, unless you wanna chop off my fingertips and slice out my retinas! [the kidnappers narrow their eyes at her] Oh, don't be dicks.
[back at the control where they're listening to a distorted modulator]
Malory: What?
Cyril: [using a voice modulator but is heavily distorted] I said, I'll kill the Tunt woman if you don't pay the ransom.
Malory: I can't understand a word of this.
Lana: Hey, Trainspotting, can you dial that modulator down a skoosh?
Cyril: Oh s-sorry. [adjusts] Is that better?
Malory: Barely.
[cuts to Cyril in his office trying to fix his modulator]
Cyril: Hang on a second. Uh... [fixes his modulator] How about now?
Malory (OS): That's better.
[cuts back to the control room]
Malory: Now I believe there was some mention of a ransom?
Cyril: Three thousand seven hundred dollars.
Malory: Wh-?
Lana: [suspicious] Wait a minute, how much?!
Cyril: [awkwardly silent for a moment before trying to cover himself] A million dollars. Fifty million dollars.
[cuts to the basement where Archer and Gillette finds the Tunt tied to a radiator]
Archer: Why the hell are you down here?!
Cheryl/Carol: Because Cyril kidnapped me, duh!
Gillette: [not believing her] Oh, you are full of shit.
[back at the comms again]
Cyril: You heard me. Fifty million dollars. Unmarked bills, uh, non-sequential.
Lana: [quietly] Just keep him on the line. Something's very fishy about this kidnapper.
Cyril: Uh, let's see, what else.
Malory: [nods and gives Lana her empty glass] Tom Collins, try not to drown it.
[Lana takes the glass and leaves in a huff]
Cyril: Obviously a dye pack is a deal breaker.
[scene cuts to Pam trying to access the retina scan]
Kidnapper Boss: [impatient] Jesus, would you hurry up?
Pam: [stops and glares] Hey! I'm not the one who smashed my eyes into eggplants! Nutsack. [resumes the scanning and opens the door] There, now cut this shit off so I can do the fingerprint reader!
[Lana sneaks by the office to see the culprit]
Cyril: [thinking of more demands] Let's see, what else?
Lana: [accusingly scaring the accountant] Ahhhhh ha!! Who you talking to?
Cyril: [tries to fib] Nobody! Phone sex.
Lana: [not believing him] Really? [gets closer to his desk]
Cyril: Yep! See? [ludicrously tries to initiate 'phone sex'] Oh yeah, you like that, don't you?
[cuts back into the comms once more]
Malory: [confused] What?!
Cyril: You're Daddy's dirty, dirty little whore.
Malory: [becomes disturbed] What?!
Cyril: Okay, I'm done masturbating goodbye. [quickly hangs up]
Malory: [visibly disgusted] What kind of sick, degenerate- What? [she turns her attention to the screen to reveal the 'kidnapper's' location] My God, he was calling from this floor! Lana! Lanaaa! [runs off to get the female agent]
Lana: [glowers] Where is she?
Cyril: [tries to lie again] Who knows, probably some trailer park in Alabama.
Lana: [getting angry] Not the phone sex operator you're totally lying about! Cheryl!
Archer (OS): She's right here!
Lana: What?
Cyril: [shocked] What?! [recomposes himself as Archer and Ray bring the heiress] I mean "See?"
Gillette: Yeah, little Miss Cry Wolf here handcuffed herself to a radiator.
Cheryl/Carol: What?
Archer: Which, even for you, pretty pathetic.
Cheryl/Carol: I didn't kidnap myself! He did! [she accusingly points to Cyril]
Cyril: [covering himself] Who me? No, I've been up here the whole time. [The Tunt was about attack the lying man but Archer grabs her] Having some phone sex. Just, jerking it. On the telephone.
Archer: Um, does the internet porn know you're cheating on it?
Cyril: [sarcastically] Very funny.
Archer: [missing the point] Thank you.
Malory (OS): Lana, Lana, the kidnapper! [runs in towards the gang] He was calling from this floor. (Lana: Yeah, and it was-) [glares at the Tunt] And where the hell was she?!
Gillette: Basement.
Archer: Kidnapped herself.
Cheryl/Carol: [defended herself] No, I didn't.
Malory: [believing them] Oh, even for you.
Cheryl/Carol: [screaming in anger] No, I didn't!
Malory: That is pathetic.
Cyril: [refusing his guilt] Yeah, she's crazy. (Cheryl/Carol: You're crazy!) Just jacking it. On the telephone. Which we've established is what I've been doing.
Lana: [tries to speak] Wait, hang on.
Malory: All the trouble you put us through. Were there even any kidnappers in the first place?
Cheryl/Carol: [frustrated] Wh- Yes!
Malory: Prove it!
Cheryl/Carol: They're right there, duh! [points behind her]
[everyone turns to see the kidnappers with Pam as their hostage and gasps]
Cyril: Oh crap!
Archer: That's not good.
Kidnapper Boss: Drop your weapons! [aims his gun at the blond's head] Or she dies!
[The agents refuse to back down as they take aim.]
Pam (OS): [angry at her co-workers] Oh, for- Seriously?!
Archer: They're not gonna shoot you, Pam. Their programming won't allow it.
Kidnapper Boss: [confused] What?
Lana: [sparing them from Archer's idiocy] Don't ask.
Cheryl/Carol: What? [gets grabbed by Archer and have a gun to her head]
Archer: Plus, if they do, I'll shoot Carol.
Cheryl/Carol: What?!
Malory: [appalled at her son's behavior using her meal ticket as a shield] Sterling!
Lana: What the shit?!
Archer: Relax! They can't risk killing Carol!
Cyril: [to himself not caring about the heiress' life] Although that would actually be a win-win for me.
Gillette: [whispering] Shut up and here, just in case. [gives the accountant a gun]
Cyril: [excited] Cool.
Lana: [terrified of what's gonna happen] No no, don't give him a-
[the gun discharges in his hands hitting one of the kidnappers in the head killing him instantly which ensues a shootout.]
[Cheryl is screaming in fear of flying lead as Archer uses her as a shield]
Archer: Shut up! That vest is bulletproof!
Cheryl/Carol: Oh. [gets clipped in her arm by a bullet] Oww!!
Archer: But it is, ya know, a vest. [continues shooting]
[the shootout ends as all the kidnappers except the leader are killed]
Kidnapper Boss: [surrenders and let's go of Pam who then starts seething] Hey hey hey hey hey! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! Totally give up!
Lana: Keep those hands up! [to Pam] Pam? You okay?
Pam: [becomes extremely and reasonably pissed] Do you people even [snaps the leader's neck killing him instantly] give a shit?!
Everyone: Whoa!
Cyril: Good God, woman!
Pam: [takes off her earrings and belt] Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked outta me all day, and nobody even tries to rescue me?!
Gillette: Archer's fault.
Archer: [glares at Ray] Shut up!
Pam: [to Archer while taking off her shirt] You shut up, Mr. Pam's Not Worth It! (Archer: [scared] Um...) [to everyone] And then you stupid a-holes shoot a jillion stupid a-hole bullets at me!
Malory: [trying to free herself from blame] Not me! I wasn't shooting!
Pam: [threatening Malory] Annnnnd you! The worst of the bunch!
Malory: [scared] Me?! Why me?!
Pam: [visibly irate] Five thousand measly dollars?
Malory: [futilely trying to quell the raging blond] You know, maybe I lowballed him at first, but I-I I had some wiggle room!
Pam: Yeah? (Malory: I, you-) Well, let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whippin' five thousand bucks worth of yer ass.
Malory: [becomes even more terrified] What?!
Lana: Hey, whoa, Pam! [goes to her, but Archer stops her]
Archer: [gives her a knowing look] Lana, let her have this one.
Malory (OS): [shocked that her son won't help her] Sterling! [pleaded for the others to come save her from an ass-kicking] Somebody? Anybody?!
Pam: Yeah, anybody, [takes off her tank top to reveal a tattoo of Lord Byron's 'The Destruction of Sennacherib' poem which makes everyone recoil in shock] want a piece of this?!
[the room is dead silent with everyone staring at Pam with shock and horror until Lana spoke for everyone]
Lana: ...nope.
[end of episode]