Archer Wiki
Archer Wiki

'Dick jokes' are a common form of humour, and the characters in Archer are no strangers to making them. Sometimes implied, sometimes explicit, a well-placed dick joke can bring a climax to any scene, episode or season. Here is an attempt to chart them, be they retiring, hidden in plain sight or the out in the open. Euphemisms and insults will also be noted.


In A Going Concern (s2e2), after failing to grasp Malory Archer's sarcastic tone, a naked Barry is burned by her witty retort:

Malory:  "Sterling ?! Len ?! Either, and, or, both?!  Where the hell are you?! Len?!
Barry:  "Yeah, do you know where he is?"
Malory:  "Yes, I'm just screaming his name down the hall to
Its cold barry

Barry "It is cold in here" Dylan

celebrate that fact" [epic sarcasm]
Barry:  "Is that some kind of a joke?" [indeed it is, some kind]
Malory:  "Is that?" [alluded to his genitals, he is naked]
Barry:  "It is cold in here".

Hidden in Plain Sight[]

In Swiss Miss (s2e1), teenage nymphomaniac Anka Schlotz is overly fond of a guten 'Wilhelm', a German word for William, or willy: a strong name associated with Kings and Emperors, such as Kaiser Wilhelm I.  Her enthusiasm is not matched by experience however and her naivity reveals itself on the fateful skidoo escape:

Choke handle anka

"Grip it as hard as you can and twist the absolute shit out of it!"

Archer:  Grip it as hard as you can and twist the absolute shit out of it!
Anka:  Oh, I get it!  Just like men love it on their Wilhelm!
Archer:  No we...oh my god!  You've never even seen a Wilhelm!"

Out in the Open[]

In Diversity Hire (s1e3), things get a little up close and personal, much to Lana's dismay:

Lana: "And what do we even know about this guy?"
Archer: "Only that he's not circumcised."
Lana: "Okay, glossing over how you know that--"
Archer: "We touched penises."
Lana: "No! Glossing!"

The Sound of Wood[]

In Viscous Coupling (s4e5), Krieger gets audibly aroused Video Ref ) by Archer's description of an epic robot battle between Barry and Ray, "fighting to the death in the streets of Manhattan".  Krieger's explicit assertion is met with implicit scepticism (in Japanese) by his disappointed 'virtual' girlfriend, Mitsuko Miyazumi, implying he couldn't get it

Oh really

"Oh really?"

up for her:

Krieger:  "My penis can only get so erect!"
Mitsuko:  "Hontou Ne?" [translates to: "oh really?"]
Krieger:  "I was tired!"

Inappropriate Arousal[]

In The Handoff (s7e2), Archer is attracted to Veronica Deane, and Krieger to Malory:

Archer: "Okay, so what do we know?"
Lana: "Um, old ladies give you a boner."
Krieger: "Hey, me too!"


Lost in Transration[]

Bucky : We hold erection for king!
Archer: Well, that's flattering. It's not really necessary.
Noah: He means elections.


  • dicknuts! - used frequently by Pam.
  • dickbag!
  • dickhole! - 'shut your dick hole' means shut your mouth, obviously; whereas
  • dickbrain! - used in season 2
  • eat a dick! - used frequently by Archer, often directed towards hostile environments such as jungles.